Better Than me
by EmilyTheStranger
Summary: Mello hears about Matt's death from a television, sees it with his own eyes, and tastes it with his own tears. Songfic Better Than Me By Hinder, Story by Me.


_I think you can do much better than me_

_After all the lies that I made you believe_

"Here's my plan." I said confidently. "You drive to the NHN new studio and throw a smoke bomb to cause a distraction, and that's when I'll get Takada." Matt frowned.

"It sounds more dangerous than usual."

"Don't worry," I said, a smirk on my face. "Nobody's going to get hurt."

_Guilt kicks in and I start to see_

_The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be_

I turned my head to the screen upon hearing the reporter announce a police chase that ended in death.

"The victim has not yet been identified." He said shortly, and then he changed the subject to the latest in politics. My mouth fell open and my breath lodged in my throat. I had recognized the red car on the screen moments ago. I had recognized the body lying on the pavement in a pool of blood.

Matt.

"Matt…" I whispered, holding back a sob. "I didn't think they'd kill you… I'm sorry." I'm so sorry.

_I told myself I won't miss you_

_But I remember_

_What it feels like beside you_

'Emotions come later. Finish the task at hand now. It was what he would have wanted. He's not dying in vain.' I thought, gripping the steering wheel, my knuckles white and my face covered with sweat. 'Don't miss him now.' But I did. I missed him so much.

He's not going to be sitting on the couch playing his stupid games anymore. He's not going to be smoking in our apartment anymore. He's not going to be sleeping next to me anymore. I choked down a sob. He's not going to be breathing anymore.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

He shouldn't have stayed. He should have run away from me while he had the chance. He'd still be alive if he had. I was the one who killed him. Me. I murdered Matt. His blood was practically on my hands. This time the sob came out. I don't think Takada heard. I changed our route. We had to drive by Matt's murder scene. I had to see him one last time, I just had to. I clenched my teeth and made a sudden turn.

There he was. His hair was matted with his own blood, which was crusting and drying on his perfect face. His goggles were broken and shards of the lenses lay across his face and in his wounds. There were 

bullet holes stained with blood across his body and face. I wanted so badly to get out and hold him in my arms, but there was no stopping now. I sped by the scene without another unbearable glance.

_While looking through your old box of notes  
I found those pictures I took  
That you were looking for  
If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
That time at the mall  
You and me in the dressing room_

The image of Matt dead on the pavement stained my mind, oozing deeper and deeper until it was filling my entire body. I felt like crying; I felt like pouring tears down onto the steering wheel and driving off the road. I felt like taking my gun out and shooting myself in the head. I felt like giving up. But I knew I couldn't give up on this. Matt wouldn't have wanted me to stop halfway through for tears. He'd want me to keep up my malicious air and keep my foot on the pedal until the job was done.

But I could remember him so well. I could take my memories and dream of him beside me in this van, cigarette in mouth, game in hand, not worried about anything with his feet kicked up on the dashboard as he slouched down in his seat. I could imagine him yawning like he was bored by the kidnapping. I could imagine him. But it wasn't good enough for me. I wanted him here so badly.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

If there was one thing I was going to miss most of all, it was Matt when he was falling asleep. He'd be curled up against me with his face buried in the crook of my neck. If it was cold enough, he'd grab my arms and make me hug him, pulling the covers up to his chin. When it was hot, he'd sit up and fan himself dramatically; a plea for the air conditioning to go up. But most nights he would lie with me and breathe softly until he lulled himself to sleep, and when his eyes shut I could feel his eyelashes brush against my neck. I could almost smell his hair now, clean and sweet from the shower, as I bent my head to bury my nose in it. I would never have that moment again.

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
Wish I never would've said it's over  
And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older  
Cause we never really had our closure  
This can't be the end_

I wish I hadn't made you go. I wish I hadn't forced you to throw that damn smoke bomb. It was so selfish of me to forget about you and try desperately to fulfill my own superficial dreams of beating Near. I had murdered the love of my life to impress my arch rival. What kind of asshole am I?! I swallowed another sob and tightened my grip on the wheel until it hurt. I should die for this. I should die for killing my Matt. It's not like I'd be able to live without him, anyways. I wished so badly for death to come. But the mission had to be completed first. I had to come out on top.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

I sat in the van outside the church, sobbing. I had locked Takada inside and now, as I waited for contact from Near, I cried for Matt. I cried for everything he was and everything he could have been. I shed every tear I had and my entire body was shaking. I missed Matt so much. I wanted to die. I wanted someone to take me to hell, where I belonged. I wished I was dead. I wished I was with Matt. But Matt was in heaven, and someone like me had to go to hell, no matter how many prayers I had said. I pounded the steering wheel. Why wouldn't someone just kill me?!

And then my arm began to tingle.

My chest began to clamp.

I began to convulse.

I was having a heart attack.

I had never been more thankful for Kira.


End file.
